so i have a question to ponder.
is it easier, or better, to have a hard heart, or a broken heart?
i'm starting to believe that it's one or the other, that there's not much in between. don't get me wrong - we have a Healer who restores us fully. but i don't believe that can ever happen on this world such as it is.
i've realized over the last few years, in many trials (and errors) that i cannot keep from being hurt, usually daily, if i do not harden my heart. my heart breaks everyday - for a number or reasons. most present in my "line of sight" is my job, and my seeming lack of pursuit towards my dreams. it breaks my heart everyday to come and sit at a desk and feel that i'm making a difference in no one's life. (yes, i realize that is not the truth, but it's how it feels). on top of that is the state of the world, all the hurting people around me (you should hear some of my co-worker's stories.. i'm sure you've heard enough from your own), and the daily rejection of God that's all around me. and on top of all that, i see too much of the news to keep a good attitude about the world... IF i harden my heart.
do you see my dilemma? it's so hard to explain; it makes me wonder if anyone will understand, or if they'll just shake their head and feel sorry for my lack of faith. it just seems that i have two options in this life: to have a hard heart to all that goes on around me and in me, or to let my heart remain soft, which means having it broken daily.
so what's better?
not having my heart beat up everyday sounds pretty good in theory; but in practice, it's not so good. when i harden my heart, even just a little, or to one small area, it affects everything. all my relationships, especially the most important, is impacted in such a negative way that all of life seems pointless and annoying. especially my relationship with the One who makes everything worth it. that's what scares me: when i keep my heart just a little hard so that life doesn't hurt so much, He seems less important.
so my choice is a broken heart. if you ask me, it's worth it.
6.23.2006
6.14.2006
how to dream
sometimes i think i forget how. or maybe i just forget to try. i'm thinking it's more of the latter. why? because sometimes it's just easier not to dream than to dream when dreaming seems pointless.
i was telling Matt last night that when i come to work, i tend to be present merely in body. i'm not "present" mentally or emotionally. there's really no need to be. i do the same things day after day, most of which i could do with my eyes closed. i'm not learning anything new, and i don't seem to be headed in a direction anywhere near where my heart is. and when you're in that place, it's painful to keep dreaming.
but what i wonder is, in the long run, is it more harmful not to dream? if i don't dream now, even in the midst of boring routine, why would i dream later?
i need strength. and a desire to keep on dreaming, even though it makes the days harder right now. even if it seems to be breaking my heart.
could someone tell me how to do that?
i was telling Matt last night that when i come to work, i tend to be present merely in body. i'm not "present" mentally or emotionally. there's really no need to be. i do the same things day after day, most of which i could do with my eyes closed. i'm not learning anything new, and i don't seem to be headed in a direction anywhere near where my heart is. and when you're in that place, it's painful to keep dreaming.
but what i wonder is, in the long run, is it more harmful not to dream? if i don't dream now, even in the midst of boring routine, why would i dream later?
i need strength. and a desire to keep on dreaming, even though it makes the days harder right now. even if it seems to be breaking my heart.
could someone tell me how to do that?
6.08.2006
more from Oswald Chambers
Stephie, i post this with you in mind. for one thing, we've been playing phone tag like crazy the last few days, and i don't like it! you are in my thoughts and prayers. you said in your post that you needed love from friends.. know that you have it from me!
another thing: i was reading the exerpt from My Utmost For His Highest for today, and i couldn't help but think of what He's been bringing you through the last several months. here it is...
"if you yourself do not cut the lines that tie you to the dock, God will have to use a storm to sever them and to send you out to sea. put everyting in your life afloat upon God, going out to sea on the great swelling tide of His purpose, and your eyes will be opened. if you believe in Jesus, you are not to spend all your time in the calm waters just inside the harbor, full of joy, but always tied to the dock. you have to get out past the harbor into the great depths of God, and begin to know things for yourself - begin to have spiritual discernment."
so Stephie, welcome to the deep waters. it's amazing to see what He's teaching you and how He's refining you.... and know that He won't let your boat sink!
another thing: i was reading the exerpt from My Utmost For His Highest for today, and i couldn't help but think of what He's been bringing you through the last several months. here it is...
"if you yourself do not cut the lines that tie you to the dock, God will have to use a storm to sever them and to send you out to sea. put everyting in your life afloat upon God, going out to sea on the great swelling tide of His purpose, and your eyes will be opened. if you believe in Jesus, you are not to spend all your time in the calm waters just inside the harbor, full of joy, but always tied to the dock. you have to get out past the harbor into the great depths of God, and begin to know things for yourself - begin to have spiritual discernment."
so Stephie, welcome to the deep waters. it's amazing to see what He's teaching you and how He's refining you.... and know that He won't let your boat sink!
5.31.2006
deep thoughts early
life is a funny thing.
do you ever wonder why things are the way they are? why boys like girls and vice versa? why the only thing my co-workers (not to mention the people on TV) seem to be able to talk about is sex? why some things seem right and normal, and others don't? why we're so selfish in general? i know i have to fight being selfish every second of everyday. living with someone has taught me a lot about how selfish i am. it's definitely a wake-up call.
i don't know where these thoughts are coming from.. they're just rolling around in my brain this morning. it's too early, and i'm too tired, to be thinking like this!
my mom's back in the hospital. she had minor surgery yesterday, and they were able to do it the "easy", less-intrusive way. thank God. now she needs to go home and stay there.. i don't like her having to keep going to the hospital. her and my dad need lots of prayer; they're going through the wringer right now! they're growing and learning so much from it.. but it's always hard to watch someone you love going through something so difficult. i'm so thankful for my parents. they're not the typical parents that you hear about on tv or from some of your friends.. they're the kind that really truly care, and would lay their lives down in a heartbeat if it meant saving yours.
a happy thought: we're going to montana in just over a month! i can hardly wait. i'm so excited for Matt to see where i lived, and the thousand places i want to take him to. i'm hoping the back room still has the best ribs in the country.. it'll be quite the disappointment if they've gone down the tubes.
okay, enough random thoughts from this end. have wonderful days, wherever you are!
do you ever wonder why things are the way they are? why boys like girls and vice versa? why the only thing my co-workers (not to mention the people on TV) seem to be able to talk about is sex? why some things seem right and normal, and others don't? why we're so selfish in general? i know i have to fight being selfish every second of everyday. living with someone has taught me a lot about how selfish i am. it's definitely a wake-up call.
i don't know where these thoughts are coming from.. they're just rolling around in my brain this morning. it's too early, and i'm too tired, to be thinking like this!
my mom's back in the hospital. she had minor surgery yesterday, and they were able to do it the "easy", less-intrusive way. thank God. now she needs to go home and stay there.. i don't like her having to keep going to the hospital. her and my dad need lots of prayer; they're going through the wringer right now! they're growing and learning so much from it.. but it's always hard to watch someone you love going through something so difficult. i'm so thankful for my parents. they're not the typical parents that you hear about on tv or from some of your friends.. they're the kind that really truly care, and would lay their lives down in a heartbeat if it meant saving yours.
a happy thought: we're going to montana in just over a month! i can hardly wait. i'm so excited for Matt to see where i lived, and the thousand places i want to take him to. i'm hoping the back room still has the best ribs in the country.. it'll be quite the disappointment if they've gone down the tubes.
okay, enough random thoughts from this end. have wonderful days, wherever you are!
5.30.2006
words of wisdom from Oswald Chambers (may 30)
"If a person is ever going to do anything worthwhile, there will be times when he must risk everything by his leap in the dark. In the spiritual realm, Jesus Christ demands that you risk everything you hold on to or believe through common sense, and leap by faith into what He says. Once you obey, you will immediately find that what He says is as solidly consistent as common sense."
(click on blog title for more wise words)
(click on blog title for more wise words)
5.25.2006
mortality
i got hit with a little bit of reality this week.
you know how when you're little, you think your parents are going to live forever?
as i've gotten older, i've realized that was right up there with thinking your parents knew the answer to everything, and that life was easier when you grew up. it's just not true. but i've held onto the idea that my parents will always be around; it's just easier to think that way. i can't imagine life without them around.
long story short, i had to take my mom to the emergency room on tuesday. i stopped over after i got off work (my dad was out of town), and found her in pretty bad shape. she was okay; just a little scared, and shaking all over. we're praying hard that it's not parkinson's. please pray with us! it was a scary, and quite stressful, couple of days. my dad left tulsa to come home early, so a bit of the stress lifted when he arrived yesterday afternoon.
but what it comes down to is an issue of mortality. i don't like thinking that my parents are getting older, and reality is, it's more likely that i will outlive them than they me. and naturally, that is the better way... though i would like to believe in my little world that i will never have to go through losing someone so close. so i guess it's not so much an issue of my parents as it is people i love in general - i think it's really hard for us as humans to grasp the idea of death. even when we know as believers that there's a better life waiting for us after life here.
so here i am, on a pretty normal thursday, thinking deep thoughts... don't mind me. :)
you know how when you're little, you think your parents are going to live forever?
as i've gotten older, i've realized that was right up there with thinking your parents knew the answer to everything, and that life was easier when you grew up. it's just not true. but i've held onto the idea that my parents will always be around; it's just easier to think that way. i can't imagine life without them around.
long story short, i had to take my mom to the emergency room on tuesday. i stopped over after i got off work (my dad was out of town), and found her in pretty bad shape. she was okay; just a little scared, and shaking all over. we're praying hard that it's not parkinson's. please pray with us! it was a scary, and quite stressful, couple of days. my dad left tulsa to come home early, so a bit of the stress lifted when he arrived yesterday afternoon.
but what it comes down to is an issue of mortality. i don't like thinking that my parents are getting older, and reality is, it's more likely that i will outlive them than they me. and naturally, that is the better way... though i would like to believe in my little world that i will never have to go through losing someone so close. so i guess it's not so much an issue of my parents as it is people i love in general - i think it's really hard for us as humans to grasp the idea of death. even when we know as believers that there's a better life waiting for us after life here.
so here i am, on a pretty normal thursday, thinking deep thoughts... don't mind me. :)
5.22.2006
Matt's new haircut..
how could you help but fall for such a good-looking bald guy?all you other women, stay away from my man!! :)
(i'm sure there won't be a problem)
but seriously, i think he's cute with his new hair. i'd better.. i helped make it happen!
