hard or broken?

so i have a question to ponder.
is it easier, or better, to have a hard heart, or a broken heart?
i'm starting to believe that it's one or the other, that there's not much in between. don't get me wrong - we have a Healer who restores us fully. but i don't believe that can ever happen on this world such as it is.
i've realized over the last few years, in many trials (and errors) that i cannot keep from being hurt, usually daily, if i do not harden my heart. my heart breaks everyday - for a number or reasons. most present in my "line of sight" is my job, and my seeming lack of pursuit towards my dreams. it breaks my heart everyday to come and sit at a desk and feel that i'm making a difference in no one's life. (yes, i realize that is not the truth, but it's how it feels). on top of that is the state of the world, all the hurting people around me (you should hear some of my co-worker's stories.. i'm sure you've heard enough from your own), and the daily rejection of God that's all around me. and on top of all that, i see too much of the news to keep a good attitude about the world... IF i harden my heart.

do you see my dilemma? it's so hard to explain; it makes me wonder if anyone will understand, or if they'll just shake their head and feel sorry for my lack of faith. it just seems that i have two options in this life: to have a hard heart to all that goes on around me and in me, or to let my heart remain soft, which means having it broken daily.

so what's better?
not having my heart beat up everyday sounds pretty good in theory; but in practice, it's not so good. when i harden my heart, even just a little, or to one small area, it affects everything. all my relationships, especially the most important, is impacted in such a negative way that all of life seems pointless and annoying. especially my relationship with the One who makes everything worth it. that's what scares me: when i keep my heart just a little hard so that life doesn't hurt so much, He seems less important.
so my choice is a broken heart. if you ask me, it's worth it.


how to dream

sometimes i think i forget how. or maybe i just forget to try. i'm thinking it's more of the latter. why? because sometimes it's just easier not to dream than to dream when dreaming seems pointless.
i was telling Matt last night that when i come to work, i tend to be present merely in body. i'm not "present" mentally or emotionally. there's really no need to be. i do the same things day after day, most of which i could do with my eyes closed. i'm not learning anything new, and i don't seem to be headed in a direction anywhere near where my heart is. and when you're in that place, it's painful to keep dreaming.
but what i wonder is, in the long run, is it more harmful not to dream? if i don't dream now, even in the midst of boring routine, why would i dream later?

i need strength. and a desire to keep on dreaming, even though it makes the days harder right now. even if it seems to be breaking my heart.
could someone tell me how to do that?


more from Oswald Chambers

Stephie, i post this with you in mind. for one thing, we've been playing phone tag like crazy the last few days, and i don't like it! you are in my thoughts and prayers. you said in your post that you needed love from friends.. know that you have it from me!
another thing: i was reading the exerpt from My Utmost For His Highest for today, and i couldn't help but think of what He's been bringing you through the last several months. here it is...

"if you yourself do not cut the lines that tie you to the dock, God will have to use a storm to sever them and to send you out to sea. put everyting in your life afloat upon God, going out to sea on the great swelling tide of His purpose, and your eyes will be opened. if you believe in Jesus, you are not to spend all your time in the calm waters just inside the harbor, full of joy, but always tied to the dock. you have to get out past the harbor into the great depths of God, and begin to know things for yourself - begin to have spiritual discernment."

so Stephie, welcome to the deep waters. it's amazing to see what He's teaching you and how He's refining you.... and know that He won't let your boat sink!