so i have a question to ponder.
is it easier, or better, to have a hard heart, or a broken heart?
i'm starting to believe that it's one or the other, that there's not much in between. don't get me wrong - we have a Healer who restores us fully. but i don't believe that can ever happen on this world such as it is.
i've realized over the last few years, in many trials (and errors) that i cannot keep from being hurt, usually daily, if i do not harden my heart. my heart breaks everyday - for a number or reasons. most present in my "line of sight" is my job, and my seeming lack of pursuit towards my dreams. it breaks my heart everyday to come and sit at a desk and feel that i'm making a difference in no one's life. (yes, i realize that is not the truth, but it's how it feels). on top of that is the state of the world, all the hurting people around me (you should hear some of my co-worker's stories.. i'm sure you've heard enough from your own), and the daily rejection of God that's all around me. and on top of all that, i see too much of the news to keep a good attitude about the world... IF i harden my heart.
do you see my dilemma? it's so hard to explain; it makes me wonder if anyone will understand, or if they'll just shake their head and feel sorry for my lack of faith. it just seems that i have two options in this life: to have a hard heart to all that goes on around me and in me, or to let my heart remain soft, which means having it broken daily.
so what's better?
not having my heart beat up everyday sounds pretty good in theory; but in practice, it's not so good. when i harden my heart, even just a little, or to one small area, it affects everything. all my relationships, especially the most important, is impacted in such a negative way that all of life seems pointless and annoying. especially my relationship with the One who makes everything worth it. that's what scares me: when i keep my heart just a little hard so that life doesn't hurt so much, He seems less important.
so my choice is a broken heart. if you ask me, it's worth it.