good talks

i woke up happy this morning.
nothing special happened (that i can think of), and nothing really is on my mind to make me happy. i just am. i woke up with a smile on my face. and i'm loving it! :)

maybe it had something to do with a couple of conversations i had last night. first was the second weekly "hour of power" with Kate, and it ended up being just the two of us. either no one else wanted to endure the heat, or had something else going. i was glad for it though after a while, because it gave us a good chance to talk! i was able to process through an issue that's been weighing really heavy on my mind, and she asked lots of good questions that helped me realize what was really going on inside me. after going home (and showering, of course!), i talked through the whole thing with Matt as well. that was where my freedom came. what i'd been pouring over and over in my head for months (maybe even years), but was too embarassed to say anything about, was finally out in the open. and people understood, and offered support. it's so good to have good friends!
it was also good to have Kate share her heart with me. i've been wanting to get together and talk with her for a long time.

to end this post, i'd like to share a few wise words from someone i quote a lot, Oswald Chambers:

"There is nothing miraculous or mysterious about the things we can explain. We control what we are able to explain, consequently it is only natural to seek an explanation for everything."

Montana pics

don't do it!
the beautiful view after our long hike
playing it cool on the dock (my favorite place)
the world famous...
burger king commercial?
wall drug! the curiosity alone drove us to stopping..
at Mt. Rushmore! but.. .where's Lincoln's head?

Montana!

we had a wonderful trip.
for those who don't know, Matt and i decided we need a vacation. so we jumped in the car and headed to Montana for a little over a week! we totaled out at 3201 miles by the end of the trip, and way too much money spent on gas. but it was still cheaper than flying.

it was so great to show him the YWAM base where i used to live, the mountains and lake that i love so much, and for his to meet some people who have meant so much to me. i also got to take him to two of my favorite restaurants: McKenzie River Pizza Co. (i probably spelled that wrong), and the Back Room.. the best bbq ever! we visited Glacier National Park, which has to be one of the most beautiful places in the world. we hiked to a lake, then drove to the top of a mountain. it was fabulous!
beyond that, we slept, walked, sat at the dock (my favorite geographical place on the planet), swam, got some sun, talked, and got lots and lots of perspective. it was a much-needed, relaxing, fun trip.

so much happened, but i'll share a couple of things (and maybe some pictures later) that were "highlights". first was not being able to find a hotel after driving for over 14 hours. 2 hours later, and after many adrenaline rushes (it was 1am at this point), we finally found a room in a little place called the Capri Motel in the "ghetto" of Butte, Montana. the old guy at the counter almost talked us to sleep before giving us a key! (although us falling asleep standing up was pretty likely by that time).
another favorite was having breakfast at the Homestead.. the greasy spoon of Lakeside, MT. the best part? ordering orange juice that came in a Bud Light glass. on the other side of the glass? a picture of a donkey, and the words "Homestead Cafe: home of the big ass breakfast". can't beat that. :)
we visited Josh and Bekah in Polson, spent lots of time with Erin and Wells, and bought two really cool metal trash cans (with the flip lids) for really cheap from friends who are moving to Australia.
i also started teaching Matt how to swim.. i got him into the lake! i was so proud.

so as you can see, it was a wonderful trip. we were to re-connect as a couple, re-connect in our relationships with God, and have some much need time to relax and breathe. thank God for road trips!

OW-er of power

that's what Ranae called it in an email the other day.
monday night, Ranae, Jane, and i went to Kate's to join her in what she called the "hour of power". it consisted of karaoke (not the singing kind), many lunges (side and forward), push-ups, lots of stairs, and running. for a girl who's never done a single lunge or push-up, can i tell you how much pain i was in on tuesday and wednesday? so wednesday afternoon, i decided to do the same thing.. though it was only 42 minutes of power. i'm going to get my muscles trained, darn it! and probably help my bad knee in the process.

tuesday night was date night. we decided to use some coupons Matt had gotten at work: two free movie passes at any Douglas theatre, one free medium popcorn, and two free small drinks. you can't beat that - free date! we saw "Superman Returns", which i ended up fully enjoying. it's high on my reccommendation list.

one last thought before i close: scrapbooking.
i decided we need a scrapbook for our wedding photos. it just didn't seem writing putting that special of pictures into a boring old photo album.. we wanted something more special. little did i know how much work, time, and money a scrapbook would take! but after many, many, many hours of labor, the scrapbook is done! i'm quite impressed myself.. though i don't think i will ever scrapbook again.

hard or broken?

so i have a question to ponder.
is it easier, or better, to have a hard heart, or a broken heart?
i'm starting to believe that it's one or the other, that there's not much in between. don't get me wrong - we have a Healer who restores us fully. but i don't believe that can ever happen on this world such as it is.
i've realized over the last few years, in many trials (and errors) that i cannot keep from being hurt, usually daily, if i do not harden my heart. my heart breaks everyday - for a number or reasons. most present in my "line of sight" is my job, and my seeming lack of pursuit towards my dreams. it breaks my heart everyday to come and sit at a desk and feel that i'm making a difference in no one's life. (yes, i realize that is not the truth, but it's how it feels). on top of that is the state of the world, all the hurting people around me (you should hear some of my co-worker's stories.. i'm sure you've heard enough from your own), and the daily rejection of God that's all around me. and on top of all that, i see too much of the news to keep a good attitude about the world... IF i harden my heart.

do you see my dilemma? it's so hard to explain; it makes me wonder if anyone will understand, or if they'll just shake their head and feel sorry for my lack of faith. it just seems that i have two options in this life: to have a hard heart to all that goes on around me and in me, or to let my heart remain soft, which means having it broken daily.

so what's better?
not having my heart beat up everyday sounds pretty good in theory; but in practice, it's not so good. when i harden my heart, even just a little, or to one small area, it affects everything. all my relationships, especially the most important, is impacted in such a negative way that all of life seems pointless and annoying. especially my relationship with the One who makes everything worth it. that's what scares me: when i keep my heart just a little hard so that life doesn't hurt so much, He seems less important.
so my choice is a broken heart. if you ask me, it's worth it.

how to dream

sometimes i think i forget how. or maybe i just forget to try. i'm thinking it's more of the latter. why? because sometimes it's just easier not to dream than to dream when dreaming seems pointless.
i was telling Matt last night that when i come to work, i tend to be present merely in body. i'm not "present" mentally or emotionally. there's really no need to be. i do the same things day after day, most of which i could do with my eyes closed. i'm not learning anything new, and i don't seem to be headed in a direction anywhere near where my heart is. and when you're in that place, it's painful to keep dreaming.
but what i wonder is, in the long run, is it more harmful not to dream? if i don't dream now, even in the midst of boring routine, why would i dream later?

i need strength. and a desire to keep on dreaming, even though it makes the days harder right now. even if it seems to be breaking my heart.
could someone tell me how to do that?

more from Oswald Chambers

Stephie, i post this with you in mind. for one thing, we've been playing phone tag like crazy the last few days, and i don't like it! you are in my thoughts and prayers. you said in your post that you needed love from friends.. know that you have it from me!
another thing: i was reading the exerpt from My Utmost For His Highest for today, and i couldn't help but think of what He's been bringing you through the last several months. here it is...

"if you yourself do not cut the lines that tie you to the dock, God will have to use a storm to sever them and to send you out to sea. put everyting in your life afloat upon God, going out to sea on the great swelling tide of His purpose, and your eyes will be opened. if you believe in Jesus, you are not to spend all your time in the calm waters just inside the harbor, full of joy, but always tied to the dock. you have to get out past the harbor into the great depths of God, and begin to know things for yourself - begin to have spiritual discernment."

so Stephie, welcome to the deep waters. it's amazing to see what He's teaching you and how He's refining you.... and know that He won't let your boat sink!